I'm responding to your email concerning your plans to produce a report on polyamory. I am polyamorous by nature, and as a philosopher/writer I am interested in the philosophy of love and sex, including a special interest in poly. I love two women, but ironically, I am currently in a monogamous sexual relationship with one of them. If you are seriously interested in polyamory, then this is one aspect of poly you should mention in your report. Poly, at its core, is fundamentally about love. Sexuality typically follows from polyamorous love, but it is perfectly possible to be polyamorous and sexually monogamous at the same time. This is somewhat unusual, but it is not unheard of. My current monogamous mate is fully aware of my continuing love for my former mate, and this does create some strong tensions from time to time, but overall she understands and accepts the nature of my love. My previous mate lives out of state, which minimizes the tension on a daily basis, but recently she and her daughter spent a weekend with us here in Ohio. There were some definite problems, but overall the visit ended on a good note. I will be going (alone) to visit my previous mate in Minnesota in May. Again my current mate accepts my need to do this and trusts me to be faithful to our current monogamous commitment.
You should also note that very often it is the multiple love aspect of poly that is more problematic for people than the multiple sex. Many people understand that sexual flings can happen from time to time. Many marriages survive an occasional affair. Typically upon getting caught cheating, the primary words of reassurance are: "It didn't mean anything. It was just sex. I don't love him/her. I only love you." What generally leads to total disaster in a traditional marriage is the idea one partner might actually fall in love with someone else. In fact there are many swinging couples who are comfortable with multiple sexual encounters, but live in fear that one or the other will fall in love outside of the marriage. This is one of the fundamental differences between swingers and poly people. So once again we see that it is love, not sex, that is the key issue in polyamory. It is love, more so than sex, that taps into the deepest fears, longings, and insecurities of most people. If your news report fails to discuss this aspect of poly, you will have completely missed the point of poly. And what exactly is the point of poly? I would say it is simply this: it is possible to love more than one person at a time. Rather than letting this aspect of human nature lead to intense pain, insecurity, and emotional trauma, polyamorous people choose to embrace this capacity and celebrate what they regard as the full depth and breath of human love.
I will be happy to discuss these issues more fully if you wish. You might also be interested to know that I am also currently working on a novel with a poly theme.
I wish you the best of luck on your report,
© 2000 by Gaylen Moore